Saturday, 16 November 2013

There's a heart ticket train on the way

Most of my lovely QE readers are good friends in real life (much as I appreciate that there are quieter, lurking internet friends and strangers who jump on board here and there - hello!) and have been part of the last few months of big change and almost-year of difficulties, so will already know what this post is going to say. I've been trying to work out quite what to put in light of the sensitive situation, the lack of privacy on the internet, and my enduring intention for this blog to be as open and honest as it can be about my experience in America.

Given those points, I'm going to put it plainly and without many details: Ben and I formally separated at the beginning of September. It was not my choice, nor was it expected. It has been a hell of a year and, although things have evolved and gone back-and-forth emotionally, we do not intend to get back together. We are still on good terms as and when we see each other.

I won't be writing about this again except for in the context of me staying in the US and how my journey may continue here. I appreciate that this may be a rude awakening of a post, and it may seem odd to mention it and not explain further, but I hope my reasoning makes sense to anyone reading. I am lucky enough to have the most incredible family of friends here (who have carried me through this time in every possible way, and I cannot express my gratitude and love enough for that), my gorgeous pups, a lovely house, and a fantastic job. I am okay. My amazing family and friends in England have been wonderful in their support, constant availability regardless of time differences, and understanding that I (USCIS-willing) intend on staying in Charlotte. I have a home here, and my heart senses that this is where I want to be.

I'll leave you with what is probably my most deeply-loved proverb, a quotation from the movie 'Strictly Ballroom', and a mantra that I continue to try to live by. Being braver has brought me so many beautiful things that I do not regret, and would not have been lucky enough to share and experience had I been too scared to try. Always try.

"Vivir con miedo es como vivir a medias." - A life lived in fear is a life half-lived.